Bassist Jokes

BASS PLAYER OFFENSES

NAME OF OFFENDER: ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE: _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINES:

[ ] Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ] Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ] Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ] Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ] Playing audibly $25
[ ] Faking changes $25
[ ] Slapping $150
[ ] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ] Excessive sweating $25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ] Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ] Taking second chorus $100
[ ] Playing solo arco $400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ] Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ] Playing with a pick $50
[ ] Tuning during ballad $30
[ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ] Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ] Forgetting strap $10
[ ] Changing strings after every set $15
[ ] Using electric tuner $15
[ ] Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass $150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ] Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ] Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ] Practicing scales during break $25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ] Practicing $150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ] Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ] Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

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